If you hurt somebody, you say you’re sorry. That’s a lesson just about every child gets in Kindergarten or before. What isn’t clear is just why we’re supposed to apologize. Is it really to make amends for what we did wrong, or is it about soothing our own discomfort?

This is a tension I saw in last week’s episode of This is Us. Kevin is trying to make up for everything he did while drunk. He starts with Randall, helping him to renovate the apartment complex. Of course, given that he had Randall’s daughter in the car with him when he was driving drunk, it will probably take a lot to have Randall look at him the same way. And then Kevin apologizes to Sophie. He has plenty to apologize to her for, including cheating on her in the past, and the way he treated her during his addiction to pain medication.

The way Sophie reacted got my attention. At first she seems skeptical of his motives. She even tells him after he’s apologized that he can now cross her name off his list. Sensing that Sophie isn’t really buying his apology he tells her that she wasn’t just a name on his list; she was the name. Finally, she sends him away, telling him that she’s accepted his apology, but that he should leave her.

Part of Kevin’s motive that he wanted Sophie to take him back? Almost surely. The two were married at one point, and Kevin still loves her. And part of him probably wanted to feel better about all the pain he had caused her. Seeing how his selfish actions had tormented her over the years must have made him sad. Like looking in the mirror and realizing you don’t like the person staring back at you. Apologizing, then, was a way of being able to say he was a better person than that.

And perhaps our motive for apologizing affects how others perceive it. Part of the reason Sophie seemed so hesitant to genuinely accept Kevin’s apology was that she sensed he was doing it more for himself than for her. By contrast, I think most of us have an easier time accepting an apology when we feel it is truly about us.

So the next time you have to apologize to someone, remember to watch This is Us first.